Chasing Pavements
by Celestia0909
Summary: "Sometimes an omission was better than telling the truth, and it was a burden that Sirius was ready to bear. A burden that he would happily bear if it meant that his friends would be happy, if she would be happy." / In an alternate universe, Sirius' feelings for Lily aren't entirely platonic.


**Chasing Pavements**

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* * *

_Should I give up_

_Or should I just keep chasing pavements?_

_Even if it leads nowhere_

_Or would it be a waste?_

_Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?_

_Should I give up_

_Or should I just keep chasing pavements?_

_Even if it leads nowhere_

* * *

The stars sparkled in the inky black sky, and a breeze brought the smell of chocolate to Sirius' nose. It was the smell of safety, of comfort, and of familiarity; and Sirius breathed the scent in hungrily as he stared at the galaxies above, praying and hoping for some kind of clarity, a kind of sign. Next to him, Remus was silent and still, his present was enough to comfort him and he didn't need to hear his words to make him feel calm.

He was so tired, so devastated, and so exhausted, and when he had heard of the news of his friends earlier that evening, the only place he had wanted to go was here. To Remus.

When he had been younger, Sirius had never understood what the concept of love was. After all, love was not a word that was lightly thrown around in the house he had grown up in. In fact, the only times that the word love had ever been uttered in their house was when it was attached to words such as weak, futile, or a waste of time.

But it had been a collection of people who had taught him what it was to love. It had been his brother, Regulus, who taught him that love meant putting your needs after someone else's. It had been his best friend, and pseudo brother, James who'd taught him that love meant fighting for it. It was Remus who taught him that love was stronger than hatred, and it was Peter who taught him that love was unconditional.

Love was strength, security, and familiarity. Love was secret jokes, sharing lunches, and spending sleepless nights running around the grounds together. Love was what made living worthwhile; but with love came naivety and vulnerability. With love came pain, and hurt, and rejection. And the worst part of it all was that he couldn't do anything about it, she was his and he was hers, and Sirius was their best friend.

"I thought it would go away," he admitted quietly. Beside him, Sirius felt Remus turn on his side without having to look at him, and he stared stubbornly, blankly, at the sky. "I thought that once they got together it would go away, but it didn't."

For a long time, Sirius had hated Lily Evans' guts. She was swotty, annoying, and an infuriating goody-two-shoes. She never put a toe out of line, always raised her hand first in class, and worst of all was the fact that his best friend was enamoured with her. As James' affections for her grew, so too did Sirius' hatred towards her.

He just didn't understand how his best friend could fancy someone like _her_. And more infuriating and confusing was why _he_ was so fixated on it.

He reasoned with himself that he was just trying to look out for his best mate, trying to protect him from rejection and pain. But the more Lily was integrated into their small group of friends, the less his feelings made sense. He still hated her, but more confusing was the fact that he was undeniably attracted to her. And then one day, he _didn't_ hate her, which had been a revelation itself and a shocking one to boot.

It was hard not to be attracted to her, and the closer they became it was hard _to_ hate her. She was beautiful, smart, funny, and wickedly quick when it came to duelling. She was the perfect girl, and everyone knew it.

"How did you know you loved her?" Remus asked, his tone soft and comforting.

Sirius tried to think of the moment that he knew, but he couldn't. Because the truth was that it hadn't been one singular moment in time when he'd fallen for her, no, it had been a collection of moments that lead up to the feelings that he had now.

"It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, it made sense. I suppose it clicked when she hugged me at the end of sixth-year. It was like coming home. .. only to no home I'd ever known. Something _better_ than what I've always known."

A few moments of silence passed between them, and Sirius' skin itched with tension as he felt Remus' eyes staring at him. He knew how messed up the whole thing was, knew that he probably shouldn't have come to Remus and admitted everything over a cup of tea. But this secret had been eating at him for months, and just when he thought he had gotten over, had resolved himself to his reality, she had announced she was pregnant and the wounds opened up again.

"She isn't yours Sirius," Remus said quietly, with a finality that tore at Sirius' heart. Because despite how much he wished he wasn't right, he was. "She isn't anyone's actually, but you and her, it wouldn't work out mate."

Again, Remus' words punched his gut with their truth. He was right again. She wasn't his, wasn't anyone's, but _if_ there was ever anyone to whom she belonged, it was James. She was his, and he was hers. Sirius had always known it from the moment they'd shared their first kiss. The two of them made sense in a way that he and Lily never would, and despite the turmoil, he really was okay with it.

"What do I do?" Sirius asked, disturbing the peaceful silence between them.

"Well I don't know, but there is one thing we _can_ do," Remus began as he propped himself up on his elbows, turned away from Sirius, and looked up at the stars above. "We can get off this roof, make ourselves a cup of tea, and we'll go and visit James and Lily in the morning."

"That's not what I meant."

"Alright fine, here's what you're really going to do," Remus said, his tone of voice changing, becoming more authoritarian as Sirius sat up and wrapped his arms around his knees. "You're going to curse heaven and hell, curse the fates, curse whatever forces you think have conspired to give you these feelings. You're going to cry, punch, feel anger at the world, and then you're to going to pick up the pieces and pull yourself together. And then, after you've poured all your grief and heartbreak out into the world, only then will you move on."

Sirius pondered it in his mind and a sour taste entered his mouth as his heart beat furiously against his chest. Remus was right again. There was no other course of action, at least not one where James and Lily, and the family they were starting, would remain as intact and blissfully happy as it had earlier that evening. She was James', and James was hers, and Sirius didn't want to be the person that jeopardised his friend's happiness.

Sometimes an omission was better than telling the truth, and it was a burden that Sirius was ready to bear. A burden that he would happily bear if it meant that his friends would be happy, if _she_ would be happy.

"Trust me Sirius, you _will_ move on, but the road to recovery is paved in grief and hurt," Remus added, a small comforting smile on his face as he placed his hand on Sirius' shoulder. "She's not yours mate, but somewhere out there is someone that _is_."

He was right again.

She was James', and James was hers, and he was a fool for ever letting his feelings get away from him. For ever even entertaining the thought that she could be his instead of James'.

She was James', and James was hers, and Remus was right. Somewhere out there was a woman that _would_ be his, and his alone. Someone who would find him, bring the pieces of his broken heart together and hold them forever in her hands.

She was James', and James was hers, and Sirius needn't waste any more time chasing pavements.

* * *

**_Author's Note_**

I was so super into Lily/Sirius stories yesterday and I thought I'd try my hand at making one of my own. I'm really hoping it hasn't come off gross and creepy, but hey tomorrow I might think it is and take it down!

I am an absolute J/L fan but I really wanted to delve into a different type of dynamic that Sirius and Lily might have had. They're portrayed as very close, and as the old trope goes: girls and boys can't _really_ be friends without one of them getting *feels* So here's my interpretation of that.

Please leave feedbacks, thoughts, comments! I'd love to hear/read about them :)

Until next time, Andy xoxo


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